Tuesday, November 5, 2013

My Mammogram


The day of my mammogram, I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long, I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man, "So...what are you here for?" Talk about a showstopper. 


Dead silence just as Nurse "Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I arose from my seat and hurried after the angel of no mercy.

 Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right heeeeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" (I'm thinking, Belinda...try decaf. This isn't rocket science.) Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

 Call me crazy,but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

 "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?" I yelled. 

"Oh, maintenance is working on something. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda said as she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk." Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared. 

 








 And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. 

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...