OK, I know it is late and today is soon coming to an end here, but I have not forgotten that I said I would post the first question of a 40 question interview I did a few years ago. Today's installment will be somewhat lengthy because I will also include the introduction to the actual interview:
My name is Amber D****m. I am
part of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gays, Bisexual, Transgender) group. I am straight
but do believe in LGBT due to my beliefs such as 'do what you want as long as
you are not harming anyone else.’ I am interviewing one my mother's friends
that had a complete sex change under the category of transgender of the LGBT
essay that I am writing.
I will be interviewing Alexis. Alexis is from the Iowa City area and the
questions I will ask, she will hopefully be willing to answer. If she feels
uncomfortable with any of my questions, I will allow her not to answer them.
______________________________________________________________________
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As I begin, Amber, let me discuss the words ‘transgender’ and ‘transsexual.’
The two are not necessarily interchangeable, though they often are used that
way. And I am sure I will use both terms during this interview.. In my view, a ‘transgender’
individual is one who feels like they belong to the opposite gender, yet
this is more of a mental state or feeling. A ‘transsexual’, on the other
hand, takes on the physical attributes of the other sex…..and this is more of a
physical nature. And neither of these are necessarily associated with another
common term, “transvestite,” which refers to someone who prefers to wear
the clothes typically associated with the opposite gender (although the term is
generally assigned to males who like to wear female clothing much more than
females who wear male clothing). All transgender people will not become
transsexuals, and I would also guess that someone could become a transsexual
without being a transgender, but highly unlikely…. There is actually a newer
term that is seen occasionally, and indeed one of my physicians refers to me
as a ‘trans woman’ in his reports.
When you get into
the topics of sex and gender orientation, there are so many more terms and
phrases that can enter into discussions,
besides the more typical terms such as “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual,”
and even “gender queer” (sometimes referred to as “gender
non-conforming”) who is someone who does not readily identify as either
male or female. For the purposes of this
discussion, we won’t need to define those, as non of them really terms that
would apply to me at this point in time.
Let me also add right here that many of these questions are
interrelated, and as a result, there may well be some repetition from time to
time. It will be difficult for me to
keep everything separate as we go from question to question. I will try to keep my thoughts from
wandering. But this has all been such a
major part of my life from the early years to even the present, and I have many
feelings to express in many ways. This
should, however, be an interesting experience for both of us.
OK, that was the preamble... now for the first question and reply---
1) When did you
consider yourself being a transgender?
I’m not sure when I first became familiar with the words "transgender or
transsexual." I did know from as early as 5 years of age that I wished to
be a girl (whatever that exactly means). Yet I also have a vague remembrance of
being caught wearing my mother’s nightgown at maybe age 4. I remember praying
many nights that somehow when I awoke I
would be a girl….. Or that maybe somehow my mother would suddenly decide to
raise me as a girl. I wasn’t even really aware that a sex change operation was
possible until I saw a magazine article in either Look or Life magazine during
my teenage years.
Yet at that young age I
certainly did not consider myself transgender…..golly, I didn’t even know the
word existed. I actually thought that there was something “wrong” with me.
After all, normal boys didn’t have feelings similar to mine, did they? I kept
my feelings to myself because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy or
something. I tried to be “normal” and did my best to act like a typical boy,
but I never really wanted to play the games that the guys did. Out of the
corner of my eyes I was always watching what the girls were doing, and wishing
I could be one of them. Overall, I did a decent job of bluffing my way through
life, but in trying to keep “the real me” secret, I resorted to being somewhat
of a loner. This, in the long run, caused me many problems in the years ahead.
Beginning at an
early age, I would beg my parents to let me stay home whenever the rest of the
family would go visit other relatives or go shopping. Even an hour or two alone was very beneficial
to me, as it opened up the opportunity to be my other self for a while,
dressing in the feminine clothes that were available…..which were generally my
sister’s clothes. While this might have
been good for me mentally, in the short term, it also began to build up
barriers between my other relatives and me.
And whenever I couldn’t get out of going to family events, I would never
really be with the men or the women. I
often found myself sitting by myself, closer to the women than the men. I wanted to be close enough to hear what was
being discussed in the kitchen or at the dining table, and not in the living
room watching sports.
As the years went
on and I was living alone, I continued to avoid many family events for the same
reason. I also did the same with those
individuals whom I met at work or elsewhere.
Whenever someone wanted to come over, or invite me to join them in some
activity, I would find a way to always be busy.
By now, however, I was also drinking very heavily. Very heavily.
The psychological stress I was feeling at this time in my life was
becoming mentally draining. My thoughts
of becoming a female began to preoccupy my mind, and the best solution I had at
the time was to drink myself to sleep. I
was still very afraid to let anyone find out this weird thought that I had in
my mind. At the same time I was still
not able to accept the idea myself. I
was being torn apart mentally. And it
goes without saying that all of this desire to be alone hampered the
development of my social interaction skills, and even to this day I can have a
lot of acquaintances, but very few close relationships.
For so very many
years I struggled with what was a major conflict in self identity. It went right to the heart of not only who I
was, but what I was. The turmoil left me
with a very low self esteem for many, many years. I truly hated myself as I struggled with
this, primarily because I continually felt that there was something truly wrong
with me, and I couldn’t understand or accept it. Or maybe I just didn’t want to. Either way, I was miserable, and continued to
withdraw so I could be alone with myself, and drink my troubles away. Surprisingly all of my alcohol consumption
didn’t really affect my work all that much.
And ever since an incident in Ames at one time when I barely made it
home when I was riding a drunken motorcycle, I did most of my drinking at
home--alone. The biggest problem with
all of this time alone was that I was primarily talking about my feelings with
myself, which simply led to a circular pattern of thinking…..round and round in
circles, and never really going anywhere.
Should they ever do
a sequel to the movie “Home Alone” and feature my story, it would not be a
pleasant one to watch. Oddly enough, I
actually look back in retrospect, and wish I would have been able to somehow
videotape all of it, as I think those recordings could be made into an
extremely interesting psychological documentary.
When I was alone, I
never actually did much except sit, drink and think. Since I really didn’t like myself at the
time, I bought a large pad of paper, and wrote these huge notes to myself. I was not complimentary. I would put them up on the walls and doors,
so they were always visible when I was either sitting there or walked around
the house. I did slowly begin to reach
out to others, either at local crisis centers, GLBT lines, or on the
internet. I truly did have some very
rewarding conversations with others, yet I still struggled. I was still grasping at ways to make “my
secret” go away, but it just wouldn’t.
One thing that is
so common with those with thoughts and feelings similar to mine was also an
expensive practice. For me, and others,
the feminine clothing is an important part of our lives, despite the fact that
we so often have the idea that this just isn’t normal guy behavior. We like to buy lots of clothes. Many of us, however, eventually try more than
once to just stop dressing in the hope that the desires will just simply go
away. If I recall right, I threw away
all of my female wardrobe about 3 times.
This ritual is commonly called “purging” by the trans communities. It never lasted more than a few weeks, and
then I would start to go shopping again.
Eventually I simply decided to stop doing that and save my money.
Sorry, got a little
sidetracked there. Back to my time alone
and what sort of existence I lived for so long.
One day or night I remember being on the telephone with someone from the
local crisis line when I heard something so simple, yet amazingly beneficial. The conversation at the time was about my
inner struggles, and how it was making my life plain miserable. I had mentioned different ways I had tried to
bury my thoughts of becoming a female, when the woman on the phone simply said
something like “Why don’t you just find a way to live with the idea?” Like I said, so simple, yet it turned my
thoughts toward ways I could live in harmony with my two selves……at least for a
while, until I could determine which
part of me was going to become dominant----although I sort of already
knew.
I did seek out
counseling locally more than once. The
biggest challenge that I faced was finding someone who felt competent in
working with me. I could find those who
would like to help, but they were just not qualified, and wished me luck. At that time there weren’t many therapists in
the country that truly had much experience in working with transsexual or
transgender people. We are not exactly a
large group of people. If I was going to
find someone with that background, I was likely going to have to travel to
Minneapolis, St. Louis or Chicago…….and I just didn’t have the time or the
money to travel like that, so I tried to work with a couple of therapists here
locally at the time. It really never
worked the way I hoped, so I continued to call various crisis lines and seek
out chat rooms or the net. I actually
found that more rewarding, but it wasn’t until I finally reached a point where
I could begin to talk with people in person that I could get a better feeling
of self esteem and social acceptance.
And, actually, once I began to open up to others, it is really amazing
how fast things accelerated for me. In
less than two years, with some special help from one particular person, I had
the confidence to plan the transition……and follow through with it.
So, that is the start. I haven't figured out yet how I will be adding the remaining questions...daily? Sporadically? Weekly? Who knows, though I tend to lean toward the 'random' concept. And remember, I
am open to additional questions if they are serious, reasonable and legitimate. Sensational or dumb questions will not be addressed.
