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A
child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Here is what was
written:
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The Children's Bible in
a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start,
there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The
Bible
says,'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a
lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and
someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the
Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't
been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating
one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden
of Eden .....Not sure what they were driven in
though,
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son,
Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except
for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah
built a large boat and put his family and some
animals
on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they
said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more famous than his brother,
Esau,
because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange
for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph
who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another
important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out
of
Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten
Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance,
or
covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I
just
thought of one more: Humor thy father and
thy
mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua
fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over
on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got
to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says
he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major
league
prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore.
There were also some minor league prophets,
but
I
guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New
Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He
was
born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had
been
born in a barn too, because my mom is
always
saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
born
in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter
of
fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the
Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The
worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But
the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus
on trial before Pontius the Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick
up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came
back
to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be
back
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold
in the book of Revolution.
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