Rooneyisms

> >  1.Andy Rooney on Monica.

> >Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.   It seems like only

> >yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and

> >knees

> >2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

> >Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

> >3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

> >Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each

> >prisoner?  Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few

>prisoners

> >into my house.  I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on the

>windows.

> >I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think

> >they

> >should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate

> >electricity.  And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair

> >that's hooked up to the generator.

> >4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

> >My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for.

>Then

> >I

> >noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

> >Married!" and walking away.  Fabric softeners are how our wives mark

>their

> >territory.  We can take off the ring.  But, it's hard to get that April

> >Fresh scent out of your clothes.

> >5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.

> >Men and women are different in the morning.  We men wake up aroused in

>the

> >morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the

> >women

> >are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"  It's

> >because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic

>nerve.

> >6. Andy Rooney on cripes.

> >My wife's from the Midwest.  Very nice people there.  Very wholesome.

>They

> >use words like 'Cripes'  'For Cripes sake.'  Who would that be; Jesus

> >Cripes?  The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making

> >fun

> >of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

> >7. Rooney on Grandma

> >My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior

> >Citizen.'  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?

> >Out entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that

> >dollar

> >she gave you for your birthday.

> >8. Rooney on answering machines.

> >Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's

> >answering machine?  "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right

> >now.

> >  I hope you are too The thought for the day is: "Share the love."  BEEP

> >"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,

> >your test results are back.  Stop sharing the love."