Question Number 2 from the Interview of My Life

2) I was told that you were married once before when you were a man. How did this decision of being a transgender affect your relationship or did it? Please explain?

Interesting question….. I did tell my wife before we were married that I liked to dress as a female, yet I am not sure I made it clear how deep my desire to transition.  I’m not even totally sure I knew at that time where this road was going to end.  I was still trying to figure out how I could somehow become “normal,” and be like any other guy. Perhaps, like me, she thought that this would go away in time. She at first went along with the dressing, and we would occasionally go out at night to a large discount store, or to a McDonald’s or something like that. I dressed freely at home, at least when there were no foster girls around, and it was fortunate as we actually could wear the same sized skirts and sweaters….. She even made me a few skirts. She was a fantastic seamstress, and I used to lay out and cut out her patterns for her. She even tried to teach me to sew, and I could do fairly well on an A-line skirt---until I got to the zipper…..after a few tries to get it in right, she finally told me she would finish it before the skirt was ruined----I quit trying to sew after that, but continued to cut the patterns for her. However, as our years together moved along, my desire to transition grew stronger, and I went to the University of Minnesota to be evaluated by a psychiatrist in their gender clinic (at my wife‘s suggestion), and left Minneapolis quite frustrated as I was diagnosed either as a severe transvestite or a mild transsexual….but there was nothing definitive that I could grasp onto. As the years continued on, we gradually grew apart and  eventually parted on mutual terms. She had come to realize that I was not the “man” she thought she had married.  I had finally concluded that the idea I harbored in my mind was not going to go away, and that I should let her go and start the next chapter of my life.  She wanted to start a family and I had no desire to be a father by that time. We really had no sex life during the years we were married, as I never had a desire to act as a male in a traditional male/female relationship.  The little sex life we had consisted primarily not of intercourse, but her bringing me to a climax----which she did for some reason…..I don’t know, maybe she felt it settled me down in one way or another.  I know---it was selfish on my part, but the stress was building within my mind, and the relief was soooooooo beneficial.  Basically, we should never have gotten married, but we were great roommates…… I deeply regret anything I did that might have hurt her, for she was a really great person……………..and I know that hindsight now makes me regret ever having gone through with the marriage. I should have known better, but, remember, I was still grasping for anything that would make me feel “normal.”

While my attempt to get married and hope for a normal life may not have been the best decision I have ever made, unfortunately it is a very common occurrence with those individuals who struggle with their gender and sexual identity.  This is true in all areas of the gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans (GLBT) communities.  Do we enter into these relationships out of any malice?  No, that isn’t the case.  Those of us who deal with these inner conflicts at various times in our lives are simply struggling to be accepted, to fit into the mainstream of life and not feel stigmatized as someone who is different.  Some of us are able to have stable relationships lasting many years, but for others, eventually the reality of who we are becomes an acceptable reality, and we decide to follow a different path.  I have to chuckle when I hear anyone say that “someone decided to become gay, or lesbian, or anything similar to that.”  I’m sorry, but that is rarely the case, and though we are who we are, most of us had some difficult periods in our lives as we came to our self realization, and the times were often difficult to deal with.  For me, though I can now look back on my struggles and reflect on them, I would not wish something like that on anyone.