20) Anything you would like to say about this interview or add anything else?
Let me take this opportunity to address one aspect of my transition that you did not ask about. That would broach the question of the progression of my eventual decision to have the SRS surgery. This matter was somewhat addressed in Question 1 at the beginning of the interview when you asked “When did you consider yourself being a transgender?” As I said then, I was not even aware of the word “transgender” when I first realized there was something different about me. I was not aware of any such thing as the Sexual Reassignment Surgery.
Beginning at that age of 4 or 5, I did think that I wanted to be a girl. My earliest memories are from that time period. However, not realizing such a thing was even a possibility, I took the long way around. When I was young, I used to take every chance that I had to dress as a girl. I was fortunate in the fact that I had a sister about 3 years younger than me, so there were clothes available. We also lived with my grandmother for several years, and she had an old coal bin in her basement with hand-me-down clothes from female cousins of mine. I sometimes would take the pretty clothes from the bin and walk down the railroad tracks behind the house to a place called Parkhurst Woods and dress there for a while until I became afraid of getting caught. As I became a little older, and when the family had moved into our own house, I would beg to stay home when the others went to visit other relatives. Then I could dress as a girl and have the whole house to myself. This was a good temporary fix for my desires, and I would usually end my dressing sessions with masturbation, which provided a quick fix for my frustrations, but never really satisfied me. This sort of a process actually kept on for many years, yet as time went by, even the masturbation aspect wasn’t satisfying. I eventually reached a point where I detested the act of masturbation primarily because I was increasingly developing a major aversion toward for my male anatomy. Simply relieving myself felt so gross, and didn’t really solve my frustrations. I simply did not want to just relieve myself and go back to being a “stupid boy.”. I wanted to be a girl…….period!
Feeling as I did, that there was something wrong with me…..I tried hard to be a “normal boy” and bury these ideas. Despite whatever I tried, however, nothing worked….. I kept returning to that crazy idea that I wanted to be a girl. I continued to keep my thoughts to myself.
I went away to college and hoped that maybe I would finally be able to overcome these feelings. That is where I probably made the biggest error of my life by that time. I met a girl, a really nice girl, and we decided to get married…. By that time, however, I knew enough about myself to tell her beforehand about what I still thought was a serious cross dressing problem, and I hoped that this would finally take care of my funny notions……………………but it didn’t work. As I alluded to earlier, we were really nothing more than good room mates. Sex was minimal, and usually involved masturbation. We even tried having foster children live with us, and that in itself was a wonderful and very educational experience. Yet it became obvious that things were not going to work, so after 7 years we sat down, worked out an amicable parting, and we got divorced.
I spent the next many years living alone, and becoming very involved in work, oftentimes working as many as the equivalent of two fulltime jobs----I hoped that by keeping myself occupied I would not have the time to dwell on my feelings. While all this extra work didn’t help that much, the extra money came in handy as it is very difficult to keep two wardrobes current. Yet there were always the times when I came home, and then I would continue to dwell. I began to drink heavily. The torment between my “birth” self and my “desired” self was becoming much worse. When I was not working I became a loner, and cut myself off from family and friends as much as I possibly could, preferring instead to enjoy my “Alexis time” by myself.
Gradually my desires became the dominant subject in my mind. That’s all I thought about all the time, whether I was at work or at home. By then I was becoming very depressed, and thoughts of self castration and suicide became common. I tried to find professional mental health counseling locally, but it didn’t seem there were many resources available, and the few psychiatrists I did find wanted to focus more on my drinking than on my gender identity. I tried to tell them my drinking was mainly due to the gender identity issue, but that fell on deaf ears, and I quit seeing them. Since I had become a loner, I had no one to talk with about this, and I spent a lot of time talking on the telephone to Crisis Line in Iowa City, and similar ones in other nearby cities. Most of my calls were not rewarding, but I was very fortunate over the years to find two different women at the Crisis Center in Iowa City who would spend a lot of time with me, usually just listening and empathizing. It didn’t solve things for me, but simply talking was so helpful. I would still love to be able to talk wit the last counselor there who helped me so much (Elizabeth was her name) and just thank her for all she did, and let her know how much happier I am now).
Then I began to have a little luck, which was so wonderful because I was really needing to talk to someone……………anyone. Two new people began working with me. The first was brought in to watch the office while I would take care of the maintenance on the apartments where I worked. When I had time, I spent a lot of time with her, and eventually began to open up to her. She was accepting of what I talked with her about, and she encouraged me to talk with one or two of her friends, who also accepted what I was saying, and didn’t reject me. I needed that confidence.
She eventually left that job, though we still remain friends,, and I went back to the office duties and the owner brought in someone else to do the maintenance work. We would spend time talking about so many varied and different things, and we eventually got around to the subject of my identity challenges. I have to say that he was also very supportive in so many varied and unique ways, and it was with the support and encouragement of those people that I finally, and eventually, found the courage to write my letter, pass it out, and start down the road on my new journey. I will always be forever grateful to both of them.
When I did find the strength and willpower to transition, I actually found that my biggest challenge and obstacle to success was myself. When I began living full time as Alexis, I really had no experience in the outside world, as Alexis had basically lived indoors and alone her entire life. This was a whole new world, and I was often very self conscious at first. I always felt like people were looking at me, which made me more nervous. I actually thought about giving this new identity up and just admitting defeat, but I didn’t for two basic reasons. First, I knew from experience that my feelings would not go away. Second, I simply was not going to show everyone that I thought I was wrong for feeling like I did. So I forged ahead, finally figuring out that if anyone was really looking at me, it was likely that it was because I was not acting like a girl-------and that I was acting like a boy dressed as a girl. I learned how important confidence is when you transition. As the months went forward, I had more and more experiences under my belt, so to speak, and became increasingly comfortable in restrooms, in fitting rooms, and simply being in public. I gained much needed confidence. I was enjoying my new life, and once I had this confidence, I no longer felt that people were staring at me that often. I know some still do at times simply because I was not able to afford some of the “extras” when it came to the surgeries---like the facial reconstruction, throat shaping, and so on. I only had the money for the basic improvements. But unless I find more money, I will simply have to be content with what is here now, which is quite satisfactory at present.
One question that the counselors at the Crisis Line, and my few confidents would ask is “Are you sure this is what you want?.” I had no way to know if the role transitioning process would be a success, or an utter failure. My only answer to them was “I don’t know” but that I had been thinking about wanting to be a girl for many, many years, and that this was no spur of the moment decision. I felt in my own mind that I needed to become Alexis on a full-time basis. But I also knew that the one and only way that I was going to know if I could make the transition successfully was to simply go through with it, and let time give me the answer. Yet, since I had very little actual experience in public, I also knew it would be a major adjustment………and it was. Fortunately I am capable of adjusting to change and challenges fairly quickly, and that helped me so much in making this a successful transition.
I learned very quickly that there was so much I was unprepared for. I mean, genuine girls have grown up and had the opportunity to learn hair care, makeup techniques, wardrobe details, and so on from their mothers, older sisters and friends. I had spent a lot of time looking through magazines like Glamour, Seventeen, and Vogue, so I was somewhat knowledgeable on these topics, but not nearly enough. Within a couple months of my transitioning I took a series of makeup lessons from Jen at one of the local beauty salons……….she was very helpful, and she also met me at a WalMart one weekend to walk me through the different products in the cosmetics department. I continue to pay close attention to commercials and advertisements for new trends in makeup and fashion. But most of all, I continue to observe other girls, for there is really no better way to learn. I watch not only the clothes, the makeup and the hair, but mannerisms and speech patterns I still do all of these, simply because trends come and go and I want to try and stay current. I firmly believe that being a female is a never-ending learning process………………I am continually fascinated with the lifestyle.
I hope that the answers and information I have given you will be a benefit to those who read it. I realize that most people have had very little exposure to individuals such as myself, and I hope that I have been able to provide a certain insight into my own personal thoughts, feelings and experiences throughout my life. I enjoy the opportunity to talk with people about my life in the hopes it will alleviate any misconceptions that may be out there. What I have provided is from my perspective only, and I certainly do not attempt to speak for all transgender and transsexual people out here, for we each are unique. There is, however, some very well written and informative information available on the internet, and I would encourage you to research the topic further. Some of it has been written by psychologists and psychiatrists, but so much of it has also been written by people with experience…people who have gone through the transition and or surgery. Those who survive this challenge actually develop a lot of insight on many issues. And while I talk about my male to female transition, there is also a fair level of information available not only on other m-f successes, but also on the female to male process and the surgery itself. Another area that is getting increasing attention is the transsexual teens and pre-teens, for they face some unique challenges of their own.
I would like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to share some of my thoughts, Amber. I am very happy to have taken the time to answer your questions, as well as pleased that you have chosen me for this interview. You really ask some very good questions, some actually quite pointed, and I thank you for that. In this era of political correctness I do not often have much opportunity to express my inner feelings and thoughts. I feel that transsexuals such as myself are extremely fortunate to have had the opportunity to live on “both sides of the street” during our lifetimes. That is something very few people ever have the opportunity to do. It provides, in my mind anyway, a much more unique and broader picture of life and reality than can ever be experienced by the average person. While I did indeed go through so many years of inner turmoil, soul searching and despair, I am not sure if I would have wanted to have my life be any different. By having to struggle for so many years with my gender and sexual identity, I am certain the end result has made me so much more appreciative of who I am now. Is there more I could share---I’m sure there is, but that can all wait until another time.
so, in a while I'll just post the entire first part of that interview all at once, since this piecemeal approach may have been hard to follow it all. And as I have always done, if someone has a reasonable and legitimate question, I will be happy to answer that too. then I'll begin on the second portion of that interview sometime after that.
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