Saturday, October 19, 2013

Phyllis Diller Insights On Life

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

 
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

 
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

 
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

 
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

 
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
 

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

 
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

 
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

 
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

 
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

 
If it weren't for hockey, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

 
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

 
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
 

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

 
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

 
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

 
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

 
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

 
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

 
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
 

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
 

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
Phyllis Diller

 
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

 
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

 
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
 

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller